Our relationship with sex is both ironic and puzzling. On one hand, its present in every movie, song, podcast, show, and every ad that interrupts any one of those things. It is seamlessly woven into the fabric of our lives. For thousands of years, it was the only way we could procreate. It is absolutely necessary. Yet, we’ve framed it as a necessary evil. Because of that, there aren’t a lot of practical ways to learn how to do it. Most sex ed classes skip over the “how” and jump to the “just don’t”. That’s if you’re lucky enough to have sex ed. And it shows. According to my latest IG survey, a lot of people learned the “how” from porn or from an older partner. Both keep me up at night. 

I’ll share how I figured it out. And whether or not I have it “right” is (according to my partners) debatable. 

It all started when broadband overtook dial-up Internet. If you aren’t sure why that’s significant, think about what I could do online without worrying about an incoming phone call. Exactly. Get in trouble. 

The popularity of online chat rooms rose at the same speed as my hormones. I started sexting before “sexting” was a thing. I would get home from school, grab a snack and chat with the same strangers everyday after school. God, who knows who they actually were. (Loverboy18 if you’re reading this, I’m pretty sure Brittany Deveraux was catfishing us but I was also catfishing you.) We started with “ASL?” and ended up with “What would you do if I was there?”

To be clear, I had no idea what was going on or how to navigate.

So, I did what any clueless but sensible teenager would do -- I “Googled” it. And that’s where I found it! The answer to every sexting question I ever had. Erotica. 

Erotica is the polar opposite of porn. It's usually written for women by women. It’s sensual and overly romanticized but the biggest benefit is, it was already typed! All I had to do was copy and paste what I’d read. They were describing, in great detail, what they wanted to happen, and how it was supposed to feel. 

 And yet, when I started having sex I still had no idea what I was doing. I guess I learned that you can prepare as much as you want but the only way to learn is to embrace the awkwardness, and try it.